Wanting more children | Relationships

Most popular

Article Index
Wanting more children
Kids from past relationships
All Pages

What are your expectations for having children in your second marriage? Are you both on the same page? How do you deal with differences of opinion?

Not wanting to have any more children

You may have made a decision not to have any more children after your divorce or even during your first marriage. If this is something that is still an important issue for you, you will need to discuss this expectation with your date as your relationship becomes more serious.

There are many reasons why someone may not want to have any more children such as not wanting to deal with childbirth, changing diapers and the other demands of having children. You may feel you are happy with the number of children you already have. Do explore this issue yourself independent of dates or partners and understand why you feel the way you do. If you are clear yourself why you feel this way, it will allow you to communicate this more clearly to your date or partner.

If you change your mind, make sure it is something you really want. Having a baby because you think it may save or strengthen a relationship or because your partner wants one are not usually good reasons. Having a child as you probably already know is a big commitment and you need to be completely sure this is something you want.

There is no guarantee that this second relationship will last though we hope it will. You need to understand that you may have to care for this child as well as your current children by yourself if the relationship does not last.

Wanting children but partner does not want kids

If your relationship has gotten serious and you are now discussing your future together, thoughts about having children with this partner usually and should come up. If you find your partner does not want children and they are sure about this, you need to do some soul searching. Can you enter a relationship and put all your energy into it knowing that you will not have any (more) children. You need to be completely honest with yourself even if the answer is one you do not want. That unfulfilled desire for children could jeopardize the relationship down the road and could lead to divorce.

If your date/partner's wish not to have children is due to the previous relationship they had, encourage them to explore their feelings with a professional. You should not however count on your partner changing their mind and the process may be slow. You certainly should not and probably cannot force the other person into choosing to have a child with you.

Both of us want to have kids

We have kids already from previous relationships

You will need to appreciate the responsibility and financial cost of having more children. Having previously had children, you probably already have a realistic view of what taking care of a child means. You also need to understand that the current children may not automatically accept new children into the family and so you need to discuss this with them and answer any questions or concerns they may have. It is not unusual that they may feel that they will be left out or lose out on parental attention. There is some truth to this in that there is only so much time in the day and it has to be divided between all the children. A newborn requires a lot of time and attention and so your children may not receive as much attention as they do now.

Be honest with them about this but reassure them that you love them and will make time for them. Keep an "open door" policy where they can come talk to you whenever they need you. There will inevitably be some bumps along the road but being flexible and open will help you through them. what if i cannot physically have kids.

It is not unusual nowadays that a couple may decide not to have any more children and one of the parents may have tubal ligation or a vasectomy done. After divorce, you and your new partner may wish to have children. If one or both of you has undergone one of these sterilization techniques, this will present a problem. Reversal of these techniques is not guaranteed. Good medical advice and counsel is critical.

You need to understand the chances of a successful reversal and start to think about alternatives such as in vitro fertilization, using a surrogate or adoption if they are available to you. These options can put considerable strain on a relationship especially if failures mount up so make sure you are both very serious about your relationship and accept that you may not be able to have children of your own. It is good to bring this issue up early when a discussion around having children first comes up. You do not need to blurt this out on a first date but as your relationship gets more serious, you will need to bring it up.