Changing your parenting plan

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Changing your parenting plan
Rules for negotiation
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Avoid court if possible. Use mediation or negotiate yourself
Prioritize the items for negotiation
Accept you and your ex may have to compromise
Find the best solution for your child, the silent partner at the negotiation

Though you have a legal agreement between you and your ex after a divorce, this agreement will not anticipate all the possible scenarios that can occur. Circumstances will change, your child will get older and have different needs and unforeseen events will occur. To successfully co-parent, you cannot rely on the divorce agreement to handle all this.

Court

It is possible to keep returning to court to resolve every change in circumstances though courts usually require a substantial change to have taken place before they are prepared to change custody agreements. This is also a very costly way to go both in money and in time. The emotional impact on your children and on you is huge and the anger and mistrust generated can destroy any further possibility of co-parenting.

Mediation

Using a professional mediator can help you resolve sensitive issues. The process itself can help both of you learn how to negotiate with each other. Mediation is legally non-binding and cannot be used in court in many jurisdictions. Your mediator should have written down everything you have agreed to. You can then take this agreement to a lawyer and have it formalized.

Negotiating yourself

This can be a very simple process or a very difficult process. It can result in two very angry people in court. Negotiate yourself only if you feel emotionally ready. You should not negotiate yourself if there is a history of physical or emotional abuse between you and your ex.

Pre-negotiation

Before you even contact your ex, you need to plan ahead. You may have a range of things you want to change. Decide what is most important to you and what is less important.

This will give you your priorities for negotiation. You can let go on some of the things lower on your list in order to gain those higher on your list. Think about compromise positions on things you want to negotiate. In other words, think through likely scenarios beforehand so you understand where you can compromise. Write all this down so you have a record of it to refer to later if you need to.

Put yourself in your ex's shoes and think about what might be important to them. Compare this list with your own and identify any potential problems.

The negotiation

Choose a method of communication. If you get on well, meet face to face. To reduce the chances that things could get out of control, meet in public. If it is difficult to do face to face, use the phone or instant messaging or even texting. These are all interactive but reduce the tension and reduce the chances of arguments getting out of control. Email could be used but it can be a slow process.

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