Negotiation rules | changing your parenting plan

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Rules for negotiation

Be polite and reasonable. You are more likely to gain from being reasonable. This does not mean you should give in on everything. You can be polite and assertive at the same time.

Listen. Probably one of the least followed rules but one essential to negotiation. If you do not listen, you do not know what is important to the other person. Without this information, it is hard to think through to a compromise and you will miss clues to the emotional state of the other person

Remain calm. Easy to say and very hard to do. Try thinking of it like a business negotiation. Take a break when you need to. Beware using breaks to control the negotiations.

Do not have marathon sessions. Agree beforehand on how long sessions should be and schedule breaks

Agree to an agenda of topics to be discussed. Keep the discussion confined to a few topics and stick to the agenda

An alternative is to both come with a list and run through the list and look for agreement. Deal with those first and put them in writing. This avoids those being used later as ammunition if tempers flare and also it builds some good feeling as you have already reached some agreement.

Agree to disagree

Start by running through the list and identify any common ground. Start with common ground and work towards compromise. If you cannot reach agreement, put it to one side and try coming back to it later. If you still cannot agree, decide on a way to resolve the disagreement e.g. mediation etc. Try not to let disagreements to disrupt the progress you have made on other issues.

Look for the triple win solutions

In triple win solutions, you, your ex and your children all win. For example, your ex may wish for a school with a uniform and you may want a school nearby. Look for a school that is close. that has uniforms and a high academic standard. Everyone wins.

The Silent Party

Always remember there are in essence, at least 3 people at the negotiating table because your children are very much affected by this negotiation. In working towards compromise, make sure that it is you and your ex that are compromising and not your children. Always work towards the solution that will work best for the kids. Do not use this as a justification for your position just to win. The one party that must always win is the silent party: your children.

Ending negotiations

Congratulate yourselves for getting through the process. Make sure notes are accurate and choose one of you to write it all up or each of you take a piece. Agree on a time limit to have the agreement written up. Send a copy to each other and make corrections. Decide if you wish to formalize this with the court. Consult with a lawyer if needed. You may both agree to take a copy to each of your lawyers. They may advise formalizing the agreement.

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